Across A Dreamland

Survival

He started off sweet, just like they all do.  I was mesmerized, captivated - and he was by me as well.  Before you knew it, we were in love.  Then I found out about the other women…but I was already in this.  I was going to fix it.  I was.

Things got better.  And worse.  Better.  Then worse.  But I could survive this.  He shoved me.  Left me stranded.  Pulled a knife on me.  Tried to set the house on fire.  He drank.  I cried.  I slit my wrists.  I broke my belongings.  I broke myself.  He pushed me on the bed, pulled my pants down, got on top of me.  But I could survive this.

On most nights, we screamed and yelled.  I ran out into the street, looking for headlights that would liberate me.  We bled, we mended, we healed, and bled some more.  It was…neverending.

Our friends saw, but no one wanted to get involved.  When they did, he threatened them.  Eventually, I was no longer in it for love.  I was no longer in it because of free will.  I thought I was, but now I see.  I was scared and trapped and mostly alone.  He reassured me and manipulated me into thinking that he was going to be there, him and only him, forever.  He needed me, but now I see, it wasn’t a need but a want.  He wanted me.  He longed for the idea of me, for the idea of love, and no one else could have me.

Two years went by and I felt dead inside.  The sun no longer shone.  I was living with a constant headache.  Tired all of the time.  So tired.  I knew I no longer loved him, and I tried to justify my actions of staying with him by assessing the multiple benefits I would receive by being with him regardless if I was happy or not.  But he wasn’t happy either.  No matter what I did, he would never be happy.  This relationship would never stop hurting.

At first, I worried about him because I cared for him.  Then I pitied him.  Then I despised him.  I looked at him with disdain, as if I would pull a knife on him at any moment, and he could see this.  I was scared of him, but eventually, he became just as scared of me.  Everything was a fight.  But I would survive this.

We talked of marriage, of having kids and owning a house, but my future was grey.  I was merely a doll, a small pet that followed her master around.  We could not be separated.  At first, it was because we were madly in love, but in the end, it was because I was not ALLOWED to be away from him.  I was a shackled prisoner.  I could not step one foot out of the house without being questioned.

 When we were around friends, I laughed and smiled as usual.  I played my part.  We kissed, held hands, and hugged each other.  He left me alone at places as he wandered off to do business, so I stood quietly in the corner unnoticed.  No one suspected anything, except that we were in love.  But in reality, I was dying inside, drowning with no one to save me.  The only person who saw me - truly saw me - was my friend, Jimmy.

When no one else paid attention to me, when my world was darkest, he saw me in the shadows.

When everyone else saw my smile, he saw my pain.

When I accepted my tragedy, he inspired me to live again.  To be happy.

We met, once upon a time.  He confessed his feelings for me and told me something I already knew - that I wasn’t happy, and would never be happy if I kept on like this.  I smiled and looked down at the ground, air escaping my slightly parted lips in a quiet chuckle because I knew he was right.  So I made a decision.

Until the very end, I tried.  I tried to salvage the ruins of my relationship.  I tried to pull my significant other out of the shadows that engulfed us, but he couldn’t escape the demons in his head.  Instead, he projected his anger, jealousy, and insecurities onto me, and on that fateful night, I knew I had to escape or lose my life if not my sanity.  I left it all behind and drove away.  I did what I knew I always had to do.  I ran away to hide and to disappear.  I ran to save myself.  He tried to find me, but I was already gone, adrift in the oceans of a dreamworld where I knew he couldn’t find me…

When he threatened to expose me to my parents, when he threatened to blackmail me, and when he threatened to hurt me, my loved ones, and himself, I told him to do it, to do it all!  I told him to give me an excuse to run away even farther so that he would never see me again.  I dared him to set me free, even if it meant killing me.  He backed down like a coward…Realization - I had called his bluff, and that’s when I knew I should no longer be afraid.

That night, Jimmy found me as I breathed in the air of freedom.  And even though I was ready to take on the world alone, he always intended to run with me.  If I needed to hide, he would hide me.  And no matter where I escaped to, he knew where I was heading.  His friendship inspired me to see color in my life again.  Now his love inspires me to travel on an unknown footpath and discover a new journey.

Some people saw my unhappiness, but more so, feared the beast.  They wanted to help but didn’t want to get involved.  You saw me and wanted to save me.  When they told you you would get burned, you told them you would keep playing with Fire.

Everlasting

For the first time in a long time, I no longer give a shit.

Welcome to a new era.

Reality Check

I think the hardest thing was admitting that I am in an abusive relationship.

Good bye.

Technological Leash

I finally got a new phone, so I now have this technological leash to the world once again.  I didn’t miss it though.  I rather enjoyed the quiet and the ability to hang out with people and go out to eat without having either parties constantly whipping out their phones.  I think, this time around, I’ll just keep my phone mostly on “airplane mode.”

Well anyways, a lot has happened in just a couple of days.  I’m finally back home in Lake Forest after staying with Ryan for over a year.  It’s kind of nice, kind of quiet - my parents have grown accustomed to leaving us alone most of the time.  But the reason why I am back is because Ryan’s mom went absolutely crazy.  She shut off the Internet and everything for reasons of her own.  Basically, that house was no longer a suitable environment to live in - not for Ryan either.  For now, he’s made the decision to leave and find a place for himself.  I really hope things turn out well for him.  In the long run, I think it’s best that he is away from his parents…

He bought me a beautiful necklace yesterday also.  We were at Redondo Beach Pier & Boardwalk, and he’s always wanted me to open a pearl.  So he finally had the money to let me do it.  I got a beautiful white pearl, which was turned into a necklace.  It’s one of the few sweet things he’s done for me, so I really appreciate it.  It feels as if our love is finally growing stronger.

Spirit Animal

On my first spiritual walk through the woods back home, I encountered a coyote.  I saw him from afar, stalking me between the trees.  His fur stuck out every which way, and I could see his hip bones protruding from the sides.  His amber eyes never left me as he quietly creeped nearer like a lioness stalking prey in the Savannah.  What surprised me more was that he was alone.

I wasn’t scared.  I actually felt a calmness.  The image of the coyote contrasting with the background of modern life, his home overrun with houses, fences, bridges.  I felt kind of sad for him.  At one point in time, this was his territory, and I am the intruder.

Nevertheless, I felt the need to tread cautiously, and so I turned around and fled off of the familiar path, and took a route that I wasn’t even sure would take me home.  When I finally reached civilization again, I looked around at the people walking their dogs, watering their lawns, playing with their kids.  No fear, no worries.  Even though just beyond that path was a potentially dangerous animal.

How is it that no one else saw him but me?  I wasn’t the only one walking in the woods that day.  Not long before that incident, I ran into a couple walking a giant Saint Bernard in the direction that the coyote came from.  Why is it that the moment the coyote decided to appear, I found myself completely and utterly alone?

I was alone.

Journey

Have you ever had a time in your life in which you didn’t know anything about it?  You didn’t know where you were heading, what you wanted to do, or even who you were as a person?

I started reading “Into the Wild” by Jon Krakauer, and it’s made me re-evaluate my life on a more spiritual basis.  Am I truly happy?  On the surface, it makes me want to pick up my things and leave this place, run far far away.  But really, deep inside, I just want to LIVE and find myself, even if it means driving only an hour away from home.  I just want to see MORE.

I’ve always been that job/school-oriented young woman who wanted to become a nurse and earn money to help my family.  I had no other goals in life, and I was OK with that.  I wanted to get married, have kids, and live the American Dream.  But now I’m at a fork in the road.  What about MY dream?  What about the dreams I had as a little girl?

Brian talked to me about going camping - either he would take me or at least point me in the right direction.  That’s only one of the things I want to do so far - there’s just too many!  I tried to make a short bucket list.  How cliche, right?  But the more and more I wrote down, the more and more things I kept coming up with.

I have a plan.  It’s not concrete, and even now, I’m still not too sure of anything.  But I have a plan.  I keep saying I’ll disappear, and maybe I will…maybe I won’t.  If I do, I’m sorry.  But some day, this will all make sense, and I’ll come back.  I promise.

I Once Knew You In A Dream

I’m no expert, and I was never very religious, but they say that in Islam, after a person has passed away, their spirit lingers for 40 days until they move on.  Mom had asked me, “Has she visited you in a dream yet?”  I suppose that would be normal.  I remember when my cousin passed away a long time ago, everyone kept talking about the dreams they had of him saying goodbye.  ”No, she hasn’t.  Has she for you?”  But who was I to expect anything?  Again, I was not very religious, and of all the people Grandma would visit, why me?  I shrugged it off.

Forty days.  In a couple days, it will have been about 4 weeks.  I can remember that one moment all so clearly.  I ran around the corner of the hallway to a living room just like the one in my house.  To the wall on the right, there was a sofa.  Three women sat on it, and the first I saw was you.  You just sat there and smiled.  You didn’t say a word but just smiled that smile I know so well.  That genuine indication of happiness in which your eyes crinkle in the corners.  Of all the times I wish I didn’t have lucid dreams, this was it.  The sight of you hit me like a hammer to the gut, and immediately, I knew I was dreaming.  No, it can’t be you.  You’re gone.  I turned to the woman on the other end and gave my formal greetings, but out of guilt, I turned back to you, this apparition of a non-physical world that existed only in my mind, and I said Hello.  At that very moment, this crushing sensation in my chest caused me to wake up with tears rolling down my cheeks, gasping for air.  I woke up before you could say anything to me.  Why did I have to know I was dreaming?

That entire day, I felt that wrenching, uncomfortable pain in my chest.  When I drove home, I just sat in my car sobbing like a child.  Is this what heart break feels like?  Then looking around the place I grew up, I realized how much of my life you were a part of.  How I will always remember the fruit trees and your warm hug and kisses, even as an adult.

Grandma, I miss you so much.  I have so many mixed feelings of guilt, sadness, understanding, and relief.  But mostly guilt.  Thank you though for alleviating that by showing me you were proud of me.  In the very end, you were proud of all of us.  You left your mark, and the things that you endured are all over now…

Fly free, Love.  I’ll see you when I fall asleep.

[EDIT: I’ll never delete this post…I’ll always remember you]